


Reichenbach Fluff

by SeratheMG (Serathe)



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Comic, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-02
Updated: 2013-02-02
Packaged: 2017-11-27 20:33:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,025
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/666211
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Serathe/pseuds/SeratheMG
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Completely nonsensical theatre drama, inspired by Polish poet Galczynski and fanfiction comments.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Reichenbach Fluff

**Author's Note:**

  * For [toroj](https://archiveofourown.org/users/toroj/gifts).
  * A translation of [Reichenbach Fluff](https://archiveofourown.org/works/565772) by [toroj](https://archiveofourown.org/users/toroj/pseuds/toroj). 



  
_The text below, despite appearances, was written in a sober state. I dedicate it to my invaluable betareader, Serathe, and a_   
_fellow writer, Homoviator._   
_Toroj_

  
  
GREEN OTTER THEATRE  
introduces a one-act play entitled:  
REICHENBACH FLUFF  
  
Characters:  
Author  
Betareader  
John Watson  
Sherlock Holmes  
Angster-girl  
Fluffer-girl  
Slash-girl  
Tumblr-girl  
Canon-girl  
Canon's Voice from Backstage  
  
  
 _The scene is a typical room of a Sherlock BBC TV-show maniac, decorated with pictures and posters of Freeman, Cumberbatch_  
 _and Moffat's works. There are books, plush toys and dirty coffee mugs everywhere. The Author sits in front of a computer_  
 _writing, Sherlock Holmes and John Watson sit on the bed as two Muses and the rest of the crowd wanders around the Author like vultures._  
  
  
Angster-girl: Remember, John has to suffer!!! Long and spectacularly!  
  
Author: (nods)  
  
John Watson: Oh my, oh my, how TERRIBLY I'm suffering! (suffers)  
  
Sherlock Holmes: But why are you suffering?  
  
John Watson: Because you jumped off the roof and died!  
  
Sherlock Holmes: ME?!  
  
John Watson: Yes, you!  
  
Sherlock Holmes: I didn't jump from anywhere. Wait a moment, something's not right. (Flicks through the shooting script.)  
Which episode are you from?  
  
John Watson: From the end of Reichenbach Fall.  
  
Sherlock Holmes: All is clear now. I demand another blogger! The one from Scandal in Belgravia would be best, he was much  
more pleasant.  
  
 _Sulky Reichenbach Watson leaves and a Watson in camouflage clothes on bare skin comes in, holding a whip._  
  
John Watson: I apologize, but Scandal John couldn't come, he is at the dentist's. I can stand for him.  
  
Sherlock Holmes: And which one are you?  
  
John Watson: The one from something Moffat and Gatiss haven't written yet. Should I go?  
  
Sherlock Holmes: No, no. (Moves closer.) Please stay.  
  
Slash-girl: SLAAASH!!! SLAAASH!!!  
  
Canon's Voice from Backstage: BAAAD! BAAAD!  
  
Slash-girl (hovering around the Author like a vulture): Remember about the lube! Lots of wild, rabbit sex! Cuffs, bondage!  
And French kissing!  
  
 _Sherlock and John look at each other in horror. Watson hides the whip behind him._  
  
Canon-girl: Children ae reading this! It should be educational!  
  
 _The Author crosses off bondage, adds instructions about putting on a condom._  
  
John Watson: Why can't we do something nice? Like a walk in a park?  
  
Author: Good idea!  
  
Angster-girl: You have to suffer! And him too!  
  
Sherlock Holmes: Not a problem. I hate parks. I can suffer there, maybe while feeding ducks.  
  
 _Takes out a sandwich and starts eating._  
  
Canon-girl: LEAVE IT! You don't eat!  
  
Sherlock Holmes (chokes): Well... I do.  
  
Canon-girl: Twice during the whole series! And be quiet, you ignoramus!  
  
Slash-girl: SLAAASH!!!  
  
Author (shyly): Can it be sex on a blanket near the duck pond?  
  
Slash-girl: Yes!  
  
Angster-girl: No!  
  
Canon-girl: Quiet, ignoramuses! Form is irrelevant, it's content that matters! And more brackets!  
  
Fluffer-girl: And I would like it to be romantic... Some hand-holding... Kissing... Maybe candles...  
  
Slash-girl (interested): Candles? They could do! What size?  
  
 _Sherlock and Watson go pale; Watson less as the tanned one, Sherlock more, cause he has practice._  
  
Tumblr-girl: I think you should add some colour to this story. Maybe a "Hobbit" crossover?  
  
Canon-girl: Jackson's done that already, stop talking our Author into plagiarism! Apage!  
  
Tumblr-girl: Then maybe "Toy Story"? Buzz Watson and Sheriff Holmes. They even match the physique...  
  
Author (tries to imagine a sex crime and murder on a Barbie doll): It could be possible...  
  
Angster-girl: Will they suffer?  
  
Holmes: I already suffer.  
  
Canon's Voice from Backstage: BLOOOD! DEER STALKER!  
  
Holmes: And now I suffer even more. (Suffers more.)  
  
Author: ...it's like a date fruit to the touch - inside the soft skin there are hard muscles... (busily runs her fingers over  
keys)  
  
Slash-girl: What is this?!! Tell me!!! What are those stupid, overcooked metaphores? Raw! I need it raw and hard! Look at  
that guy, that... V, he has it so raw that he can open a butcher!  
  
Betareader: "Be a butcher." Or "open a butchershop". Or a meat stand. With penises.  
  
Tumblr-girl (sits on the desk and swings her legs): I have to disappoint you. V wrote a fanfiction about an otter.  
  
Slash-girl (with hope): Zoophilic?  
  
Tumblr-girl (with satisfaction): Zoological.  
  
Fluffer-girl: Very fluffy? Emotional? Itty bitty ottery committee?  
  
Tumblr-girl: Sherlock's an otter. Mycroft's a hamster. And John's a hedgehog.  
  
Slash-girl (skeptically): An otter with a hedgehog? I don't think it's technically possible...  
  
Angster-girl: But how TERRIBLY can they suffer!!!  
  
Sherlock (quietly): If I wasn't an atheist, I would start praying right now.  
  
John Watson (also quietly): I'm a believer, I can pray for us both.  
  
Slash-girl (looking over the Author's shoulder): There you have it! She can't be left alone even for a minute. What is that  
nonsense? What Greek columns are in a slash? There should be penises!  
  
Canon-girl: Leave her be, columns are canonical. Doyle wrote it.  
  
Canon's Voice from Backstage: DOOOYLE'S PEEENIIIS!  
  
Slash-girl: Columns are stupid!  
  
Canon-girl: You are stupid! Like an otter in a scarf!  
  
 _The Tumblr-girl, in holy tumblr rage, smacks the Canon-girl on the head and the latter fights back. There is a commotion,_  
 _other fangirls join. Sherlock and John take out popcorn, watch and make bets. The Author is disgusted, when the fangirls_  
 _break her hedgehog cup._  
  
Author: There is only one way out of this situation. Or I'll go bonkers and there will be no fanfiction, even after two  
beers. John, can I borrow your SIG-Sauer?  
  
 _The curtain fells for a moment, a few shoots can be heard, the curtain goes up._  
  
John Watson (looking at a stack of bodies): What do you make of that, Holmes?  
  
Sherlock Holmes: Nothing. I didn't see anything. Actually, I suffer from amnesia after that jump from Barts roof and am  
unable to deduct. There was one fanfiction, where I regressed to a mental state of a seven-year-old. Look, I even have a  
blanket! (significantly points to an orange blanket)  
  
John Watson (after some thinking): Actually, I had to tie my shoelaces and missed everything too. But if you have a blanket,  
we can go to that park.  
  
 _The Author, Holmes, Watson and the Betareader join hands and walk into the sun. Holmes waves his blanket and a melodious_ _howl of the Baskerville Hound can be heard from backstage._  
  
Happy End: (follows)  



End file.
